There was only one truly important event in 2008. I proved beyond any doubt, that I am psychic. Out of 20 predictions, I got 80% correct.
Some of you out there may still question my abilities. Perhaps I just got lucky, maybe my powers aren’t supernatural at all, maybe I’m just preternaturally insightful and brilliant. I’ll admit that’s also a possibility. So, to clear up any criticism, I will run the grand experiment a second time. Brace yourself for:
Dezrah’s Psychic Predictions for 2009!!!
(presented in no particular order)
1. Brittany Spears’ rejuvenated career will come to a screeching halt when an embarrassing fact about her family is revealed. She will fall into the same self-destructive anti-press cycle that claimed her in the past.
2. A major music act will get in a serious accident, causing them to cancel/reschedule tour dates and/or an album release.
3. In an attempt to ‘reach across the aisle’ and improve bipartisan relations, newly elected President Barack Obama will appoint a Republican to a cabinet-level position.
4. Scott Dezrah Blinn’s magic career will take off. He will become the new face of skeptical, bizarre and generally icky magic for schools, churches, and private parties in Central MA. YOU ARE COMPELLED TO HIRE HIM! BE PART OF HIS SUCCESS! CREATE THE FUTURE!
5. Hostilities in the Middle East and around the world will suddenly and miraculously cease when unquestionable evidence for the One True Religion is discovered behind a toilet in a Motel 6 outside Cleveland, OH. Everyone on Earth will fully understand and excitedly accept the obvious truth of this discovery and peace, love and happiness will reign throughout the land…
6. Microsoft will announce a new portable device, the tech press will go crazy over it, but no normal people will care.
7. After dominating the micro-blogging space in 2008, Twitter will finally make a profit. Sadly, the internet community will have moved on to the next shiny new thing, leaving Twitter all alone, feeling just a bit silly.
8. Video games will continue their domination of popular culture. Animated movies will fall out of fashion for big-name Hollywood celebrities. Instead, it will become trendy for them to lend their voices to games, and at long last, traditional voice actors will retake take their rightful place. Maurice LaMarche, Billy West, I’m looking at you!
9. A full-on geek riot will break out at the opening weekend of the new “Star Trek” movie. The spark that sets off the nasally powder-keg will be a well-meaning, yet doomed, reporter who shouts, “Hey Trekkies! Show me your Lightsabers!!!” at a more than normally tense crowd of Trekkers. The tension, of course, will be due to the group standing outside for over 18hrs to gain entrance to “the movie that launched 1,000 flamewars”. There will be survivors, but they will not live well.
10. Joss Whedon will once again get screwed by traditional media. In revenge, he will direct the untold legions of Dr. Horrible fans to submit 2-minute long pilot ideas directly to Fox executives’ personal e-mail addresses.
11. After the stunning success of JVCD, Jean Claude Van Damme, instead of continuing into a successful career as a dramatic actor, will mistakenly think that the time has come for his return to the Hollywood action blockbuster. CGI will be involved, and it will not end well.
12. The world wide economic down turn will do the most damage in the EU. The rest of the European nations will begin looking suspiciously at Germany, waiting for the inevitable.
13. The Detroit Lions will dramatically improve over their 2008 record by winning at least one game. Football fans will be oddly let down by that fact.
14. Oprah will introduce and endorse yet another type of paranormal nonsense. Skeptics around the world will sigh, grit their teeth and continue to fight the good fight, thankful that at the very least, the world had forgotten about John Edwards.
15. A new diet that makes absolutely no damned sense will take the country by storm, again…and somewhere, Valerie Bertinelli will cash a check.
16. Go Magic Go and iTricks will release a “Very Special” joint episode in which Keith, Andrew and Justin sit down and explain to a confused and frightened Criss Angel what exactly went wrong with his career.
17. Your mom will understand what a LOLcat is. This will be the beginning of the end for the Internet.
18. Jonathan Coulton will get exposed to a mainstream audience after a live performance of “RE: Your Brains” on Saturday Night Live. This will be the only funny thing to happen “live” on SNL for the entire season.
19. Gwar and Metalocalypse will meet and tour together. Their combined might will unleash a wave of pure destruction and awesomeness that will set the stage for the return of our lord and master: Andy Kaufman.
20. You will realize, with disgust and self-loathing, that you’ve spent five precious and irreplaceable, minutes of your life reading this article. You will leave me an angry comment to that effect, at which point I will apologize and say “I knew this would happen, check out item #20 on my list”.
So those are my psychic predictions for 2009. Being that I’ve already proven I’m 80% accurate, you can expect the majority of these predictions to come true.
Please plan accordingly